Today on Surisan, I met the woman who encouraged me to try barefoot walking in early June. Back then, I thought I couldn’t do it. Still, I started with just five minutes. Now I can comfortably walk barefoot for an hour. Thanks to her encouragement, it has become part of my life.
Could speaking change in the same way?
As a child, I remember enjoying telling stories to my classmates while we cleaned our classroom. But I also remember how much effort it took to put my thoughts into words, and how tiring it felt. Eventually, I stopped making that effort. For almost forty years—most of my life—I have held back from expressing my thoughts. More precisely, I still struggle to organize my thoughts and put them into words on the spot. Perhaps this has something to do with my difficulty paying attention, or with the anxiety I felt growing up at home.
I can speak Korean, English, and Japanese, but I often struggle to express what I really think and feel. “I’m not good at speaking” has become a familiar story I tell myself.
Professor Kim Joo-Hwan’s lecture yesterday helped me question that story. An actor can fully inhabit a role while remembering that he is the actor. Similarly, I can acknowledge my fear and difficulty without letting them define who I am.
I can practice speaking while noticing the thought “I can’t.” I don’t have to wait until I feel confident.
Barefoot walking began with five minutes. Speaking can begin with five minutes, too—or even just one.
Perhaps, with practice, this too can become something I enjoy.
This morning, I filmed clouds moving swiftly across the sky. Watching them I thought of the Buddha’s teaching on impermanence. Nothing stays the same. The river changes from day to day, and so does the sky.
I, too, can change.
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