Yesterday, I was anxious because today was my birthday.
For a long time, I didn’t really have friends. The people I knew were my students and their parents, and people I met through yoga, piano lessons, or exercise classes. Outside of those activities, I rarely had anyone to spend time with.
On my birthday, I often felt especially lonely when no one wished me a happy birthday. But somehow, it was easier when nobody knew. Nobody would know that I hadn’t received any birthday wishes.
This year was different. I had met people through INZEUM, and I began to hope they would celebrate my birthday. I was afraid to make my birthday visible on KakaoTalk. What if people saw it and no one said anything? I thought that would make me feel miserable.
This morning, I started the day with a self-affirmation meditation. As I did, I felt myself letting go of those expectations. I could wish myself a happy birthday, too.
Someone I’ve become close to in my INZEUM group happens to share my birthday. He’s always been warm toward me and has visited my home a few times. We’ve meditated, practiced Tai Chi, and walked barefoot on Surisan together. On one visit, he noticed my birth date on my bicycle mechanic certificate—that’s how we discovered we share a birthday.
So this morning, I wished him a happy birthday in our group chat and mentioned that it was mine too. In celebrating his birthday, I was also celebrating my own.
Then I felt okay. I wasn’t worrying about it anymore.
Later, an INZEUM friend who has the same name as me sent me a KakaoTalk message asking if today was my birthday and wishing me a happy birthday. I had already felt a little closer to her, so I was happy to hear from her. Others in our group also sent warm birthday messages. Another INZEUM member, with whom I take vocal lessons, sent me a gift through KakaoTalk, and another sent me a cake.
In the evening, I had a piano lesson. My teacher taught me so well that, after the lesson, I told her, “Today is my birthday, and this lesson felt like a birthday gift.”
“Why didn’t you tell me earlier?” she asked. She looked around for something to give me, then gave me a sweet treat she had bought at a bakery, saying it was delicious. I was touched.
As the day comes to an end, I feel so much more at ease. Yesterday, I was anxious and caught up in wondering whether anyone would remember. Now I feel peaceful and grateful. I’ve been able to let go of the expectations I was holding on to.
I’m happy that I told them it was my birthday. I’m grateful for their warm wishes and gifts, and for my piano teacher’s kindness. And I’m grateful that this morning, I was able to wish myself a happy birthday and feel okay, even before those messages arrived.
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