Self–Other Affirmation: A Path to Inner Freedom — Part 3 of 5
Based on a lecture by Professor Kim Joo-Hwan
When a friend is struggling, we often know how to respond.
We listen. We recognize that the situation is difficult. We remind them that a mistake does not erase their worth.
When we struggle ourselves, our language may become much harsher.
“Why are you like this?”
“You should have known better.”
“You never get anything right.”
Professor Kim asks us to notice this difference. The care we readily offer another person may be the very care we have difficulty extending to ourselves.
Recognizing the voice of self-criticism
Some forms of self-criticism are so familiar that we barely notice them.
A small mistake becomes a judgment about our character. A difficult conversation becomes proof that we are inadequate. Something that happened years ago returns as though we must still defend ourselves against it.
The lecture discusses repetitive negative thinking: the tendency to circle around distressing thoughts without reaching a useful resolution.
Within this pattern, thinking can become a repeated act of self-accusation. We keep reviewing what is wrong with us, yet the review offers little help in deciding what to do next.
Self-compassion begins by noticing how we are speaking to ourselves.
Meeting suffering with care
Compassion involves recognizing suffering and wishing that it might ease.
Self-compassion directs that same care inward. We allow ourselves to acknowledge that we are having a difficult experience.
“This hurts.”
“I feel ashamed.”
“I am disappointed.”
“I need some care right now.”
These simple recognitions can change the tone of our inner conversation. We become more able to meet what is happening without immediately adding another layer of blame.
We can still take responsibility for our actions. Compassion helps us approach that responsibility with enough steadiness to learn from it.
Forgiveness opens the way
In the lecture, forgiveness and compassion are closely connected.
If we continually condemn ourselves for a mistake, it can be difficult to offer ourselves care. Self-forgiveness makes room for a different relationship with the person who made that mistake.
We begin to see someone who had limited understanding, particular circumstances, and human vulnerabilities. We can recognize the consequences of what happened while also recognizing the suffering involved.
From there, a compassionate wish becomes possible: May I learn from this. May I become less trapped in it. May I find a wiser way forward.
Repeated practice gives us another way to relate to ourselves.
Self-compassion allows us to remain on our own side while continuing to grow. We can become someone we are willing to care for, including on the days when we feel least satisfied with ourselves.
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